We at The Babylon Bee want to help de-code common marital communications between the spouses, whether it's helping husbands know whether their wives are mad at them or helping wives to understand the mixed signals, coded messages, and confounding double-speak from the complicated creatures known as "husbands"!

Here are 9 clear signs your husband is mad at you.

1. He hasn't called you in over 10 minutes: Classic silent treatment.
2. He hasn't done yardwork in ages: Either he knows your favorite shrub needs water and is trying to kill it out of spite, or he doesn't know, which means he doesn't care – even worse!
3. He's always doing yardwork: Another classic "tell" that he doesn't want to spend time with you.
4. He says "I love you": But there doesn't seem to be much passion behind it because he's probably just saying it because he's supposed to because he's clearly furious at you.
5. He's making that face like he's thinking about something but when you ask what he's thinking about he just says "Pancakes": Nice try, buddy! Who looks off into the distance and thinks about nothing but pancakes?! He must be thinking about other women.
6. He goes to the bathroom: It's like he wants to be alone for a few minutes. You definitely did something to tick him off.
7. You text him asking him to do something and he replies "ok": No exclamation point? No smiley face? Your marriage might be over.
8. He's nice to a waitress: Anything less than barked orders and brusque dismissals is flirtation – a slow fade into a full-blown affair with the Applebee's server.
9. You're working really hard on dinner, and then he comes in and says "Yum, spaghetti, smells delicious!" and then when you say "Oh I forgot to buy noodles, can you just run by the store and get some?" and he says "Sure," but not very enthusiastically like he was planning on working out or something and it's really a big deal to drive 30 miles in rush hour traffic to that Fresh Organic Paymore store that you always go to because the grain-free noodles made of cauliflower are super healthy: What on earth did you do to deserve that kind of treatment?!

We hope this helps dispel some of the mystery – men are complicated, but these warning signs can help you know when there's trouble ahead for your marriage. Bring these up often to keep him close!

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.