ANAHEIM, CA — According to sources, local father Jon Patterson grabbed a map as soon as his family entered the gates at Disneyland over the weekend. Patterson then barked orders like some battle-hardened general or squad leader executing a daring battle plan to his troops.
"Alright, men, listen up," Patterson said as his family stood at attention. "We only get one shot at this. We're gonna split up and send bravo squad through Tomorrowland to hit Star Tours and Buzz. Now, you can sneak in the rockets if you want to risk it, but if the line is any longer than 20 minutes I want you to cut and run. Don't look back, and don't second guess me. Charlie squad, we're gonna hit Adventureland and try to do Indiana Jones. That line has killed many a Disneyland trip, but it's a risk we'll have to take."
The grizzled father timed out every aspect of the trip down to the minute, from bathroom breaks to food stops, and planned the most efficient route through the park, maximizing ride time and avoiding long lines throughout the day.
"If everything goes according to plan, we're going to have the most efficient trip ever, with over 15 rides in just 4 hours. But it's absolutely crucial you do what I say. Now let's move out!"
Patterson's plans were wrecked after his wife said, "Oooh, churros!" and derailed everything, causing him to fume as they stood in line for Pirates for 90 minutes.
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