MAR-A-LAGO — Anonymous sources are alleging that among the documents confiscated from Trump's residence were the top secret plans to the White House. These plans are said to reveal the building's only weakness: a thermal exhaust port only 2 meters wide.
"It's impossible to overstate just how close we came to losing our fully armed and operational Washington D.C.," said FBI Director Wray. "A direct hit from an AR-15 on the thermal exhaust port on the southeast corner of the White House roof would set off a chain reaction that would destroy the entire District of Columbia."
Sources also claimed that since Trump's sons had extensive experience bulls-eyeing baby elephants in Africa that are no larger than 2 meters, it was only a matter of time before "insurrectionist scum" made a move to destroy the entire facility.
"Just think — Washington D.C. could have been destroyed!" said Director Wray. "The FBI just saved Washington D.C.!" Reports confirmed that FBI approval plunged another 12 points after Wray's statement.
At publishing time, sources confirmed that Trump also had possession of the One Ring, which is now being safely returned to the nation's capital.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: