AMARILLO, TX - Students across America have resumed the Cold War practice of weekly "duck-and-cover" drills to prepare for impending nuclear attacks ordered by the picture of mental stability, President Biden.
"Living under the constant threat of nuclear holocaust really brings back memories," said Principal John Cmerek as the air raid sirens blared. "Doesn't that sound take you back? Even found the old videos, all we have to do is edit 'The Russians are coming!' to say 'Joe Biden is coming!', and we're all set."
Although some were skeptical Biden would really nuke his own people, President Biden took time to reiterate his position to a flock of geese at the national mall. "Look here! You're not just going to beat me with that rifle, bucko! I make one call, one call on the TV, and jets will blow up the whole country! That's how democracy works! Whoever has the nukes makes the rules, Jack! Now hand over the guns, you jerks!"
Bastions of liberty like the Texas panhandle, with its terrible penchant for church-going and self-governance, have become potential ground zero targets for the Biden administration. "It's actually pretty cool doing the drills," said local high schooler Salma Gonzales. "Been kind of boring since we escaped Guadalajara, now all of a sudden we're like public enemy number one. Still not sure what his deal is, it's just us and a bunch of cows out here. Maybe he hates the cows?"
At printing time, sources say that no geese have given up their AR-15s and Biden is currently in the Situation Room discussing retaliatory options.