HOUSTON, TX—Debates can be tough, what with all the attempting not to say anything nonsensical and standing there and trying not to fall apart. Last night's ABC debate in Houston was particularly brutal for Joe Biden.
"None shall pass me in the polls," he declared early on, confident in his ability to keep himself together, literally. Despite his opponents warning him that they weren't going to go easy, he wouldn't back down. Finally, after he was asked about healthcare, the duct tape gave way and Joe Biden's left arm tumbled to the floor.
"Stand aside, Joe," said Elizabeth Warren. But Biden continued to fight, and several moments later his right arm fell off.
"Victory is mine!" said Pete Buttigieg. But as he began to pray, thanking God for allowing a good Christian man such as himself to triumph, Biden started kicking him.
"Had enough, eh?" said Biden. The other candidates urged him to give up, but he insisted that it was "just a flesh wound."
"What are you going to do, bleed on me?" asked Kamala Harris, which she regretted after Joe's eye exploded in a spurt of blood all over her nice dress suit.
Of course, his other two limbs soon followed, and Biden sat there, a stump on the stage. "Alright, we'll call it a draw," Biden conceded. He then began taunting his opponents, saying they were too scared to face a strong, intimidating candidate such as himself.
"I'll bite your legs off!"