PORTLAND, OR — An Alaska Airlines pilot reportedly saved hundreds of lives this week by deftly steering his plane to avoid dirigibles flown by hostile tribes of machine elves.
"Am I a hero? Well, I like to think of all of us at Alaska Airlines as heroes," said pilot Joseph Emerson. "Look, I put my pants on the same as the rest of you, one leg at a time. But once I've got my pants on, I do epic amounts of shrooms and save people from crashing into machine elves."
Emerson was reportedly riding in the cockpit jump seat on a flight from Everett, Washington to San Francisco when he noted the incoming dirigibles and took action. "It was pretty close to being a catastrophe," said the flight's co-pilot, Captain Jimmy Garvin. "We were just enjoying the flight when out of nowhere, Joe screamed ‘ELVES!' and lunged for the controls. It was a wild ride."
Arrested after the plane made an emergency landing in Portland, Emerson vehemently proclaimed his acts as being courageous. "Those yahoos have no idea that I saved everyone's lives," he said. "These skies are notorious for warring factions of machine elves. Literally teeming with elves. I'm the only one who seems to care about them firing cannons and flaming arrows from those huge blimps."
At publishing time, Emerson notified authorities that he witnessed dangerous dirigibles of elf clans on nearly every flight he piloted for the airline but denied his regular, recreational use of psychedelics before takeoff on those dates had anything to do with the incidents.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.