SAINT LOUIS, MO — In an effort to repair the damage done to its image that resulted in it being relegated to "gay beer," beverage titan Bud Light has entered into a partnership with a sports organization where sweaty men in underwear hug and wrestle each other for extended periods of time.
"This will totally fix things," said Bud Light marketing executive John Tenta. "We want to regain the market share we had when we were known as the go-to beverage for rugged, masculine consumers. That's why we're slapping our name and logo on a sport where men wear tiny shorts and roll around on the ground with each other and get in positions like 'full mount.'"
The brand had spent years as the unquestioned top beer in the country before suffering a devastating fall in the wake of using trans TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney as a spokesman. The beer company now hopes this new sponsorship deal will turn things around. "Partnering with Dylan Mulvaney was clearly a mistake," Tenta said. "Now, to rebuild our image, we're going to really lean in and grab hold of guys. These sweaty, tensed-up guys wearing very little clothing and rubbing up against each other in various positions are the perfect ambassadors for our beer."
When reached for comment, one UFC fan had this to say: "So gay."
At publishing time, representatives for the Ultimate Fighting Championship refused to comment on rumors that the company had agreed to hire Dylan Mulvaney as the new bikini-clad "ring girl" for its fights.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.