ATLANTA - The CDC has announced the results of an alarming new study: everyone who has ever been infected with COVID-19 will die at some point in their life.
"Yes, everyone who gets COVID will die," said a spokesperson for the CDC. "Maybe not immediately, but at some point, in the future. Almost all of those people who die will have had COVID at some point in their lives. This is horrible news."
"This is a terrifying statistic," said Don Lemon on his nightly CNN broadcast. "The correlation between being infected and eventually dying is too high to dismiss. The important takeaway here is that we should all be terrified."
In a statement from the White House, President Biden expressed that he was "shook" by the study and would take aggressive action by infringing on a few more liberties just to be on the safe side.
Conservative critics have responded by saying that everyone who voted for Biden will also eventually die - except for the ones who are already dead.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
