WASHINGTON, DC — A potentially disastrous situation was averted yesterday as White House aides were able to grab President Biden's arm in the nick of time and lead him away just as he was beginning to "follow the light."
Onlookers at the President's public appearance were bewildered as he could be seen wandering aimlessly away from the stage toward what seemed to be nothing in particular. "He finished his pre-written remarks and then just kind of tottered away from the podium," said Matthew Anderson, who had been watching from the crowd hoping to catch a viral Biden speech gaffe on video. "It looked like he might be intentionally moving toward something, but one of his aides grabbed him by the arm and pulled him away."
An administration insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said this has been an ongoing occurrence in recent months. "He told us he keeps seeing a bright, white light in the distance and hears it calling his name," the staffer said. "He's been mentioning conversations with people who have been dead for years, but he's acting as if these conversations have been happening recently. Yesterday, he said he made plans to have lunch with Betty White."
At publishing time, White House staff was holding brainstorming sessions to come up with more efficient ways to keep the President from following the beckoning call to follow the light, presumably to the hereafter. Currently, the most popular ideas involve tying him to a stake in the ground near the podium, handcuffing him to the First Lady, or using the tried and true method of just locking him in the basement.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: