TALLAHASSEE, FL — After a Twitter announcement that was hampered by tech issues, Governor Ron DeSantis has assured that anyone who was unable to hear the announcement on Elon Musk's platform will soon receive a follow-up announcement on their pagers.
"Don't worry, folks, if you have one of the newer pagers capable of receiving text, you will be receiving my announcement personally. Please make sure your pagers are charged and turned on," said DeSantis on Twitter. "I am a presidential candidate who fully embraces the technology that will be essential for our Great American Comeback!"
Media outlets, outraged at being left out, condemned the move as fascist somehow. "This just goes to prove how fascist this fascist fascist is," said MSNBC's Joy Reid. "We'll be back tomorrow night with more, once we figure out exactly how this is fascist."
At publishing time, Joe Biden had confirmed he was the only one who had received the announcement, as he is the only one in America who still uses a pager.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
