PORTLAND, OR — In an unprecedented move, President Trump authorized a drone strike on Portland after designating Antifa a terrorist organization.
The longtime hotbed for Antifa activity was the first target to root out any and all operations of the terrorist group. Trump consulted with Homeland Security and Pentagon officials before ordering the strike.
"We found their main training cell," Trump told reporters. "I ordered the strike on Portland after learning the majority of Antifa terrorists are living and training there. It's incredible. We're gonna get all of 'em, believe me."
Trump designated the group as a terrorist organization following years of violence and incitement, with Antifa members having been behind some of the most violent attacks on our country in the riots following the death of George Floyd, the protests of conservative speakers at college campuses, and many other acts of social unrest and agitation. Intel has shown evidence of large cells based in Portland, Seattle, and Los Angeles, immediately making liberal cities Trump's primary targets.
"We think we got most of them, but there are probably still some living in the tunnels under the city of Portland," Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said. "We plan on sending in SEAL Team 6 to sweep the city and set up a perimeter. Unsurprisingly, the normal residents of Portland seem thrilled by the strikes. Bombs away, boys!"
At publishing time, Trump had also ordered a drone strike on local area coffee shops in an attempt to take out Antifa and members of the weird hipster population at the same time.
Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?
