CHANNAHON, IL — Witnesses reported seeing former U.S. Representative Adam Kinzinger sob with delight after his mom allowed him to open one Jan 6th present on Jan 6th Eve.
The gift he opened was a tissue box.
"Thanks, Mommy, this is the best Jan 6th Eve ever!" yelled Kinzinger as he ran around the house in tearful delight while wearing his fuzzy pajamas with little rhinos printed on them. "I can't wait to see what else Old Nana Pelosi will leave under the holy guardrail tonight!"
While not all religious groups recognize January 6th as a holy day, some families — the Kinzingers for example — claim the holiday represents an event bigger than Christmas, the Civil War, or Earth's creation a few thousand years ago.
While Adam Kinzinger reportedly spent the rest of the sacred evening singing Jan 6th hymns he'd written himself, dozens of other devotees across the nation celebrated with their own, distinctive fervor. The Cheneys, for example, spent the evening pretending to be President of the United States.
At publishing time, reports had flooded in from fully-grown adults across the U.S. who swore they saw Old Nana Pelosi riding her lectern across the sky, wishing everyone a somber January 6th.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!