HENDERSONVILLE, TN — A local man breathed a sigh of relief at the gates of Heaven as he entered the hereafter today, receiving a "Well done" commendation from God Almighty for spending his life arguing with other people in the comments section of YouTube videos.
"I wasn't quite sure if my life's work would measure up," said Luke Sullivant. "As it turns out, my Heavenly Father really did appreciate and approve of all the time I spent owning people I disagreed with on YouTube. I really showed them! Now I can spend eternity in paradise!"
Though other people entering the glory and splendor of Heaven along with Sullivant toiled for decades giving to the poor, comforting those who mourn, and caring for widows and orphans, Sullivant's dogged debates with dissenting YouTube users were enough to earn him the highly sought-after "Well done." Not everyone in Heaven seemed pleased with the result. "I was a cardiac surgeon! I saved hundreds of lives!" said Steve Borden. "And I volunteered at homeless shelters on the weekends through my church! This guy just argued with people online about theology and politics!"
Sullivant seemed to take the mild controversy in stride, however. "Hey, those years of anonymous sarcasm and petty insults had to count for something, right?" he asked as he made his way to the heavenly mansion prepared for him.
At publishing time, God was reportedly debating whether or not to break the news to Sullivant that there were hundreds of online debaters entering eternal damnation on the same day who didn't ever hear the Gospel from Sullivant.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
