EDEN - Mankind was plunged into sin and death after the first man and his wife Eve disobeyed God's command and ate of the tree they were clearly commanded not to eat from. However, new information indicates there's more to the story than originally thought. According to sources, after being caught red-handed by the Almighty, the couple reminded him that all this is really Putin's fault.
"Lord, to be fair, I am NOT responsible," said Adam emphatically. My wife is the one who gave me the fruit, and she was clearly deceived by Russian disinformation spread by Vladimir Putin. Not much I can do about that. Putin is responsible."
Thus began a long life of Adam blaming Putin for everything, including his unkempt vegetable garden, the bad weather, and his failure to complete his honey-do list.
Scholars now concur that Vladimir Putin was likely the cause of The Fall of Man and everything bad that has happened since, upending previous theories that The Fall was caused by white supremacy and COVID.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
