America's national debt just passed $31 trillion for the first time in history. Yikes! Don't worry though, we at The Babylon Bee have a few brilliant money-raising ideas up our sleeves that Congress probably hasn't heard of yet.
You're welcome, America!
- Burn down the Lincoln Memorial for the insurance money: A foolproof plan.
- Sell the moon to China for $31 trillion: Maybe throw in California for good measure. Nobody will miss it!
- Two words: BAKE SALE! If we sell around 10 trillion brownies, we'll have that debt licked in no time! And we hear Ted Cruz makes a mean brownie.
- Get Russia to invade us and watch the aid money roll in: The surest way to untold riches!
- Ask every American to sell just one kidney: True patriots will sell both!
- Have Nancy Pelosi skip Starbucks and make her own coffee at home for the next 31 trillion days: We assume she'll continue to live at least that long.
- Take out a reverse mortgage on Alaska: Most countries do this sort of thing toward the end of their lives.
- Make the FBI raise extra cash by delivering pizza on their way to raid Trump supporters: Those armored assault trucks are great at keeping pizza really hot.
- Have Biden ask Hunter to ask his Chinese employers to forgive the debt: Pretty please?
- Have Janet Yellen marry Tom Brady and then divorce him to take half his money: Come on Tom, take one for the team!
- Print 31 trillion more dollars: Wait — isn't this what we're already doing?
- Stop spending more money than we have: No wait, that would be crazy. Never mind.
If you know someone in Congress, be sure to share these genius tips with them! We've GOT this, folks!
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.