America's national debt just passed $31 trillion for the first time in history. Yikes! Don't worry though, we at The Babylon Bee have a few brilliant money-raising ideas up our sleeves that Congress probably hasn't heard of yet.
You're welcome, America!
- Burn down the Lincoln Memorial for the insurance money: A foolproof plan.
- Sell the moon to China for $31 trillion: Maybe throw in California for good measure. Nobody will miss it!
- Two words: BAKE SALE! If we sell around 10 trillion brownies, we'll have that debt licked in no time! And we hear Ted Cruz makes a mean brownie.
- Get Russia to invade us and watch the aid money roll in: The surest way to untold riches!
- Ask every American to sell just one kidney: True patriots will sell both!
- Have Nancy Pelosi skip Starbucks and make her own coffee at home for the next 31 trillion days: We assume she'll continue to live at least that long.
- Take out a reverse mortgage on Alaska: Most countries do this sort of thing toward the end of their lives.
- Make the FBI raise extra cash by delivering pizza on their way to raid Trump supporters: Those armored assault trucks are great at keeping pizza really hot.
- Have Biden ask Hunter to ask his Chinese employers to forgive the debt: Pretty please?
- Have Janet Yellen marry Tom Brady and then divorce him to take half his money: Come on Tom, take one for the team!
- Print 31 trillion more dollars: Wait — isn't this what we're already doing?
- Stop spending more money than we have: No wait, that would be crazy. Never mind.
If you know someone in Congress, be sure to share these genius tips with them! We've GOT this, folks!
NOT SATIRE: Americans are discovering that if we want to change this nation, we have to change the way the marketplace works. That change starts with you, with your wallet, and by supporting America-first businesses. Imagine a world in which every single dollar you spend could go towards companies that share your values for life, liberty, and prosperity. Now with the PublicSq. app, you can.
PublicSq. is an app and website that connects freedom-loving Americans to the community and businesses that share their values. With over 30,000 businesses in our marketplace, discover a nationwide platform with the largest gathering of patriotic consumers and businesses our country has ever seen. The best part of all: the marketplace is free to join for consumers and business owners alike!
We'll see you in the Marketplace!
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: