FORT MYERS, FL — With hurricane deaths reaching pandemic levels, Pfizer has announced emergency FDA approval of their new, untested hurricane vaccine, Hurriprofitol®.
"It looks like we get to save humanity again, for a small fee," said Pfizer CEO, Brandolph Cashsniffer in a press release printed on diamond-infused gold vellum. "Hurriprofitol® has come at a vital time for the world when millions are dying from hurricanes, hurricane-related illnesses, hurricane-associated diseases, Sudden Hurricane Death Syndrome, hurricane-adjacent strokes, and hurricane gout."
Following the announcement, California governor Gavin Newsom mandated that all residents get the Hurriprofitol® jab if they wanted to leave their homes. Other liberal governors in non-hurricane states quickly followed suit, citing reports from The Science.
"Hey, whaddaya know, a chance to be on TV, how 'bout that?" said The Science, Dr. Anthony Fauci in a presser organized by Dr. Anthony Fauci. "I'd like to remind all my fans out there that I've always said the hurricane pandemic is a pandemic of the hurricane unvaccinated. Ooh, booster time!"
At publishing time, stalwart conservative lawmakers took a principled stance against hurricane vaccine mandates while simultaneously cashing out millions of dollars in Pfizer stocks.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
