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9 Things We’re Looking Forward To In Heaven

What is heaven actually like? There are lots of great things the Bible talks about when we look at spending eternity with Jesus. From worshiping Him forever and ever to a great time of fellowship with the saints throughout the ages, there will be joy forevermore when we finally arrive where we belong.

But there are other perks of heaven we don’t often think about. Here are nine things we’re looking forward to in the new heaven and new earth:

1.) Toilet paper rolls will be hung on the holder the correct way. Over, not under, you savages.

2.) The streets of heaven will be paved with Half-Life sequels. Half-Life 3Half-Life 7Half-Life: The Gritty Reboot? You bet. Every Half-Life sequel imaginable, including Opposing Force and Blue Shift sequels, will be there in the eternal state.

3.) Death, sorrow, and liberal theology will be no more. The Bible promises us that death and sorrow will be thrown into the Lake of Fire, right alongside liberal theology. Hooray!

4.) The eschatological eradication of pumpkin spice beverages. The devil’s drink—that is, anything flavored with pumpkin spice—will be eliminated, if we’re reading the Book of Daniel correctly. And trust us, we are.

5.) There’s a big, big yard where we can play football. Latter-day prophetic group Audio Adrenaline tipped us off to this one. Tackle football with no cheating, screaming at each other or getting picked last because you suck. Heavenly!

6.) It is a land flowing with craft beer and casseroles. Ballast Point, Bell’s Brewery, and Stone Brewing have already announced tasting rooms to be opened in paradise. Plus, with all those old Baptist and Lutheran ladies, there are sure to be tons of casseroles. Just don’t let them see you crack open a Grapefruit Sculpin.

7.) Arrivals to heaven are asked to surrender their social media accounts at the pearly gates. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat are not welcome here! Go back to the shadow whence you came!

8.) We get to prove each other wrong by asking Jesus to resolve those pesky theology debates we had on earth. We can’t wait until Jesus can give us the straight answer on credobaptism vs. paedobaptism, so we can rub it in the face of those heathens who disagree with us.

9.) All political discussion will be limited to talking about how great of a job King Jesus is doing. We saved the best for last: the only political conversations will be those in which we all agree that King Jesus is doing a phenomenal job, and will continue to do so for all eternity. Maranatha!

What are you looking forward to? Text everybody in your contacts list and let ’em know!