We sent our Babylon Bee investigative journalists all across the country to find out which walk-up songs famous pastors are using to hype up the crowd as they leave the on-deck circle and take the stage. Here's what these celeb pastors blast from the PA system as the lights dim and they step up to the plate - err, pulpit. Plus, we got a statement from each of them:
- John MacArthur - "Master of Puppets" by Metallica - "I like the Calvinistic bent of the puppet imagery. Plus, Kirk Hammett just slays in this song."
- Benny Hinn - "Bodies" by Drowning Pool - "How did you get in here? Security is going to escort you out now."
- Beth Moore - Whoops! Sorry, we said "pastors." - "That was rude. I'm going to tell my boyfriend Jesus about this, y'all!"
- Jonathan Edwards - "Highway to Hell" by ACDC - "I like to remind my congregation that they are on the highway to hell, and that highway is a rotten covering, ready to crumble any moment as they fall into the pit of hell. You gotta love Bon Scott's performance, too."
- Carl Lentz - "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen - "What? It's catchy."
- Kenneth Copeland - "Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden - "There's no double meaning here. I just like Steve Harris's bass chops and Bruce Dickinson's blood-curdling scream. Legendary. Up the irons!"
- Joel Osteen - "Billionaire" by Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars - "I here and now seize God's FAVOR to become a BILLIONAIRE one day by the power of God. That's what Jesus died for, after all."
- John Piper - "Fun, Fun, Fun" by The Beach Boys - "What a great reminder that we can be hedonistically satisfied by the glory of God as He is glorified in us!" [Piper accidentally slapped us with his hands while he was saying this, and a lawsuit is forthcoming.]
- Paul Washer - "Here Comes the Pain" by Slayer - "Why are you guys asking me for a statement? I'm talking about YOU!"
Interesting! What song would you pick for your walk-up music?
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
