With companies pulling their ads from Twitter over the threat of hearing conservatives speak, Elon Musk has had to get creative in developing new revenue streams! Here are the nine new ways Mr. Musk is going to monetize Twitter:
- Allow users to wager on who will win an argument - our money is on the rocket scientist over the bartender.
- Institute a $1000 fee for every pronoun in your username - plural pronouns cost double!
- Create a virtual "heresy jar" for self-proclaimed Christians on Twitter - thank you, "Pastor", for explaining how Jesus was a universalist! Your account automatically added $50 to the heresy jar.
- Charge $100 to add a Ukrainian flag to your username - this would singlehandedly raise $40 billion, a.k.a. one U.S. Government arms package.
- Musk will gather his close friends and family members for a "hangout", but it's actually an awkward high-pressure sales pitch for them to sign up for Twitter Blue and become "Twitter Ambassadors" for a small cut of their downline - so uncomfortable.
- Anyone named "Steve" pays a Steve tax - it's only fair for all the trouble you've caused, Steve.
- Charge a mere $2 for every Michael Scott gif - analysts expect this change to rake in roughly $500 billion an hour.
- AOC and Trump must pay $10 per typo - You could by a lot of "covfefe" with that cash.
- Add an "Assassinate" button that charges you $10,000 to send a hitman after any Twitter user - on second thought, considering how the Bee's last stint on Twitter went, maybe this is a bad idea.
Can't wait to see Elon turn this ship around! Let us know if you have any other ideas for Musk to get Twitter back in the black.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: