Brace yourself, America: the federal government has been shut down. Congress will no longer be able to pass any bills and all federal agencies will grind to a halt. But, there will also be some very serious consequences.
Here are the 7 most terrifying:
The Capitol cafeteria will not be able to serve Ted Cruz his customary afternoon Ho Hos: Devastating.
That department you've never heard of that does nothing for you will be furloughed: You can kiss the Commission on Overseas Native Fisheries goodbye.
Government workers will lose thousands of hours of sleep they would otherwise be getting at work: No one wants to sleep on their own time.
Rand Paul will be intolerably giddy: He's so annoying when he gets like that.
AOC will have to go back to bartending, but she doesn't know how to make a rum and coke: It's a tough recipe.
Instead of shopping online while "working from home," government employees will have to shop online while furloughed at home: Brutal.
No one will be able to unlock the restrooms at Yosemite National Park: It is literally impossible to evacuate your bowels without government support.
If you are reading this, there is still time. Please, go back to your emergency bunkers and hold your loved ones close as you ride out the storm of a government shut down. It's going to be a rough ride. DO NOT — REPEAT — DO NOT EXIT YOUR BUNKER FOR ANY REASON. The consequences could be dire.
