Starting a cult is a dream for many. The followers, the fame, the fortune (as L. Ron Hubbard famously said: “If you want to get rich, start a religion!”). But it’s so hard to know where to begin, is it not? It is.
Lucky for you, we at The Babylon Bee have started our own fair share of cults. So follow these basic tips and your cult will be the most successful one since Scientology.
1.) Get a private revelation from God. Go to a cave, the middle of the woods, the international space station—anywhere you can get some peace and quiet. Then just ask God, as he exists in your mind, to give you some breathtaking new revelation no one has ever heard before. IMPORTANT: if you don’t receive such revelation, just make something up.
2.) Tell all the women they have to marry you or they’re going to hell. It’s important early on to make sure you get as many ladies into your harem as possible. This allows you to jump-start your religion with thousands of children and grow your obviously God-favored family tree—plus you become the biggest player on the block. Score!
3.) Move all your disciples to a remote compound in Antarctica. Find an abandoned research station or exploration outpost, charter a cruise ship, and shuttle all your devout, brainwashed followers to the remote icy wastes at the feet of the mountains of madness. This way, no pesky outsiders can begin to unravel your carefully woven web of deceit with logic or reason. Be sure to maintain an active YouTube channel to lure more and more followers to your “paradise.”
4.) Make sure no one checks your teachings against the Bible. If anyone on your cult’s compound so much as mentions the Bible, shoot them on sight. You can’t afford to have all your hard work come crumbling down just because some loser decided to use “discernment” all of a sudden. You’re probably gonna want to take away everyone’s internet access, because that Bible stuff is EVERYWHERE nowadays.
5.) Throw in some really wacky beliefs, just to see how much you can get away with. Try to keep a straight face as you tell your followers that an ancient galactic warlord named Xenu blew up millions of humans in a combination volcano-hydrogen bomb explosion 75 million years ago, that God resides on the planet Kolob with his spirit wives, or that on the other side of a faithful death lies an extraterrestrial spacecraft following Comet Hale–Bopp. Basically, if your teachings sound exactly like an episode of Battlestar Galactica and people still believe you, you know you’ve got ’em right where you want ’em.
6.) Roll around in your piles of money. Now, it’s time to relax as you profit off your wild deceptions. Your eternity might not be all that enjoyable now that you’ve deceived thousands or even millions of people, so enjoy the good life while you can. You’ve earned it!
Well? What are you waiting for? Go to the middle of the nearest deserted wilderness and start asking for a new word from on high!
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