Everyone knows men aren't allowed to cry, except in very special circumstances. We at The Babylon Bee consulted over two man experts across the world and asked them when it was OK for men to cry.
Here are the only 20 times that crying is allowed, men:
- When you're a soldier in the Civil War and your leg gets blown off by a cannonball.
- Field of Dreams.
- When you manage to mow your lawn in perfectly straight diagonal lines.
- The "Sleepytime" episode of Bluey.
- When your son asks you, "Dad, can you read me this 'Hobbit' book I found on your bookshelf?"
- A toddler just performed a double knee drop from the arm of the couch onto your groin.
- When the Terminator is slowly lowered into molten steel and gives one final thumbs-up.
- National Anthem at a baseball game.
- Your wife is giving birth, but the hospital cafeteria is closed, and you've been awake for like 10 hours and all the vending machine has is Chex Mix.
- That part in The Notebook when Allie comes back to Noah for just a few fleeting moments and everything's back to normal for far too short a time and then Allie relapses and then they die holding hands - haha just kidding. This one was a test. If you cried during The Notebook, you are gay.
- Fighter jet flyover.
- "Come, Mr. Frodo!" Sam cried. "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you!"
- Smoking a cigar while the sun sets on your kids playing in the freshly cut grass and the chickens peck at the feed and the smell of home-cooked dinner comes wafting out the kitchen windows.
- The end of Gladiator.
- If you're a Chicago Bears fan.
- While thinking about the fall of ancient Rome.
- At the Vietnam or World War II memorials.
- During "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac.
- When you're hanging with the bros and your buddy's like, "Hey man, you doin' OK? You look like you need a hug," and then you guys hug and it's beautiful - haha just kidding. Another test.
- When you're in church belting out "It Is Well With My Soul" with a bunch of old folks.
Don't let us catch you crying any other time, men. Or we will make fun of you, and then you will cry again, and that's also not one of the acceptable times.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
