WASHINGTON, D.C. — Members of the United States Congress have formally rebuked House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and Rep. Matt Gaetz for what they are calling "unnecessary infighting" that they claim is distracting from the important work of giving themselves raises.
"You guys need to cool it! All this fighting is hurting our bank accounts — er, um, I mean, our country," said esteemed representative Nancy Pelosi. "I've had to supplement my income with millions in back-door deals with lobbyists and insider trading. No one should have to live like this!"
House representatives and senators make approximately $174,000 a year, about the same as a UPS truck driver, or a McDonald's worker in California. Some lawmakers have resorted to delivering pizzas to local D.C. cocaine orgies to supplement their meager incomes.
In contrast to his colleagues, Rep. Thomas Massie has encouraged the fighting to continue. "It is my sincerest hope that the government becomes so gridlocked that we can't do anything. Only then will the American people be safe."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
