EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In a traumatic upset for the sporting world, Taylor Swift has been traded from the Kansas City Chiefs to the New York Jets, where she will begin dating tight end Tyler Conklin.
"We had to trade three starting players for Swift but I think it will be worth it in the end," said GM Joe Douglas. "Maybe now everyone will start coming to our games."
Taylor Swift is reportedly eager to get started with the team. "I'm happy to be back in New York, or at least New York adjacent. I didn't realize they played in Jersey, which is a bit of a turnoff. But anything is better than Missouri. Like, ew."
KC Chiefs' Travis Kelce has reportedly slipped into depression after realizing his relationship with Swift had been used to elevate the status of his team. "This is devastating for me," he said. "On the plus side, my Insta followers are through the roof and my jersey sales have never been better. I guess it's not all bad."
"But come on! The JETS? REALLY?!" he added.
The rest of the Jets' roster is reportedly hopeful this will pave the way for each of them to date their own pop singer, but positions are limited. "None of us want to end up with Lizzo," noted QB Zach Wilson.
At publishing time, the NY Jets had already become the most popular team in the NFL thanks to Swift's influence. Kelce confirmed he is now open to dating any other billionaire pop stars who may be available.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
