Good news! Achieving peak physical fitness doesn't have to be an unsolvable enigma. There are surefire ways to guarantee you a ripped, wrecked, yoked, strapped, shredded physique in no time.
The fitness experts at The Babylon Bee are here to help you on your journey with this list of keys to unlock your fitness potential:
- Drink 38 gallons of water every hour: Gotta stay hydrated, broseph.
- Only ever eat steak for the rest of your life: If you so much as look at a vegetable, you will literally turn into a woman.
- Simply identify as being shredded: LIVE. YOUR. TRUTH.
- Do the exact opposite of whatever the FDA recommends: Let all the other losers get fat by obeying the government.
- Put a pic of Diane Feinstein in your refrigerator: Take one look and you'll never want to open the fridge again.
- Always get the king-sized version of candy bars: Lifting bigger, heavier snacks will tone your biceps.
- Lose 3 pounds throughout the week, gain them all back on the weekend, repeat: This is what everyone else does--maybe there's something to it.
- Hire Jordan Peterson to follow you around and call you a failure: Nothing can motivate you like Dr. Peterson berating you into working out.
- Film yourself working out for 3X the calorie burn: A proven method.
- Never, ever, ever, do cardio, ever: If you so much as think about cardio, you will literally turn into a woman.
- Eat Taco Bell for every meal: Those calories will only be in your body for a very short time.
- Carry a heavy King James Bible: Have you seen those suckers? Massive!
- Go visit your old boxing gym for a 3-minute training montage: It works in every movie, every time.
- Stop eating forever: If all else fails, just starve yourself — you'll at least get ripped before you die.
There you have it — the guaranteed pathway to the body you've always wanted. When you're checking yourself out in the mirror and marveling at the results, remember to thank us.
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Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.