Good news! Achieving peak physical fitness doesn't have to be an unsolvable enigma. There are surefire ways to guarantee you a ripped, wrecked, yoked, strapped, shredded physique in no time.
The fitness experts at The Babylon Bee are here to help you on your journey with this list of keys to unlock your fitness potential:
- Drink 38 gallons of water every hour: Gotta stay hydrated, broseph.
- Only ever eat steak for the rest of your life: If you so much as look at a vegetable, you will literally turn into a woman.
- Simply identify as being shredded: LIVE. YOUR. TRUTH.
- Do the exact opposite of whatever the FDA recommends: Let all the other losers get fat by obeying the government.
- Put a pic of Diane Feinstein in your refrigerator: Take one look and you'll never want to open the fridge again.
- Always get the king-sized version of candy bars: Lifting bigger, heavier snacks will tone your biceps.
- Lose 3 pounds throughout the week, gain them all back on the weekend, repeat: This is what everyone else does--maybe there's something to it.
- Hire Jordan Peterson to follow you around and call you a failure: Nothing can motivate you like Dr. Peterson berating you into working out.
- Film yourself working out for 3X the calorie burn: A proven method.
- Never, ever, ever, do cardio, ever: If you so much as think about cardio, you will literally turn into a woman.
- Eat Taco Bell for every meal: Those calories will only be in your body for a very short time.
- Carry a heavy King James Bible: Have you seen those suckers? Massive!
- Go visit your old boxing gym for a 3-minute training montage: It works in every movie, every time.
- Stop eating forever: If all else fails, just starve yourself — you'll at least get ripped before you die.
There you have it — the guaranteed pathway to the body you've always wanted. When you're checking yourself out in the mirror and marveling at the results, remember to thank us.
NOT SATIRE: Over 2,000 years ago, Alexander the Great led his army into battle against the formidable Persian Empire. According to legend, after they arrived on the shore for battle, Alexander ordered his men to burn their ships. He knew burning the ships meant his army was committed to the path ahead of them and left no room for turning back.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.