We're not really sure what it is, but experts say America is now deep in the throes of a terrible thing called "late-stage capitalism." Paul Krugman and Che Guevara tried to warn us, but we didn't listen. The consequences aren't for the faint of heart.
To help you prepare for the terrible things you're going to witness as we reach this horrific time in human history, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of frightening features of late-stage capitalism:
- Readily available food: And you don't even have to stand in lines all day for it. Disgusting.
- Air conditioning that freezes your wife to death: Late-stage capitalism is especially hard on women.
- People running for fun: You see that guy running in your neighborhood? Nothing is chasing him. It's unnatural.
- Cruises: Thousands of middle-class people squished on a boat having a great time? Might as well be a concentration camp.
- Tom Cruises: We must stop capitalism before they multiply!
- Stanley tumblers: Nobody needs to drink that much water.
- Banned books being available at every bookstore: Only unadulterated opulence makes things that are banned so widely available.
- Plenty of free time: You might end up getting roped into a nice board game with your family. Ugh.
- So many entertainment options that you spend all night on the couch trying to decide what to watch: And then your wife falls asleep as soon as you find something. Curse you, capitalism!
- Chick-fil-A: Capitalist fat cats love the luxury of having delicious chicken and waffle fries handed to them in their cars. Obscene.
- Long lines at amusement parks when it's hot outside: Hell on Earth.
- So few actual problems that we have to invent some: Like being born the wrong gender.
- Donald Trump: AAAAGGGGHHHH!
There's no denying it, you're seeing unmistakable signs that the outright collapse of capitalism is imminent. Switch over to communism while there's still time!
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.