Let's face facts. The "manliness" you hear old people talking about is outdated and tired. It's time to move on from the prehistoric concepts of masculinity and onto the new way to be male. Here are 12 things considered "manly" that are now woefully obsolete. Along with each, we've proposed a better, more up-to-date alternative.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #1: Chivalry
Any idea that has been around for more than thirty years is old hat. Chivalry, if it were a hat, would be one of those stupid ruffly hats they wore in old French paintings. It is an archaic practice that assumes women can’t accomplish basic tasks such as opening doors, pull seats out from tables, and walk without holding onto some man’s arm. It’s time to retire this tired, sexist trope that parades around pretending to be a form of respect and admit women have no need for male door charity.
INSTEAD: Get a Sex Change and Beat the Tar Out of Women in MMA
True respect for women requires drastic, body-altering measures. Instead of opening doors for women, consider getting a sex-change and opening up wounds on women’s skulls in the octagon. Instead of pulling out chairs for women, pull a woman’s arm out of its socket. If you want women to know you consider them equals, quit body-shaming and start body slamming.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #2: Helping Old Ladies
The ageist concept of helping old ladies cross the street, carry groceries or use Skype has been an oppressive thorn in the side of the elderly for centuries. Men can’t seem to find anyone who they think doesn’t need their help, even people who have nearly 100 years of experience at doing things. That’s just arrogant.
INSTEAD: Dox Some Teenagers
A true man finds kids with differing political views online and does everything within their power to destroy their pathetic little lives. See a kid in a MAGA hat smirking on YouTube? It’s time to man-up and sic the entire internet on that impish little twirp. Find their home address, phone number, high school, Facebook page, and any other personal information then immediately make it public. The child will be bombarded with death threats, harassment, and maybe even physical violence, but you will be overwhelmed with a true sense of accomplishment.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #3: Fixing Things Around the House
It’s common knowledge that things don’t break anymore. I mean, come on. It’s 2019, people. Fences last forever, plumbing never leaks, and tools are just overpriced symbols useful only for testosterone-signaling. Besides, home ownership in itself is patriarchal. A true man rents a pastel-yellow townhouse in a suburb with all maintenance included in the rent. Men who make their own repairs are stealing work from the lower class because they hate poor people and, even worse, are racist against migrants.
INSTEAD: Learn Interior Decorating
A real man learns how to tie a room together by picking the right throw pillows, shopping for shabby chic antiques, and repurposing old furniture using chalk paint and sandpaper.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #4: Grilling Meat
What purpose could a grill have that a microwave cannot accomplish? The grill is a tool for desperate males to labor over in an attempt to assert their relevance in a culture long past the cave-times of cooking with actual fire. Besides, eating animals is murder. Do you want to be a real man? Eat only kale.
INSTEAD: Grill Your Stupid Face
If you are a male, you probably have a stupid face. If you want to grill something, grill that. For bonus points, grill your face until your lips fuse together so that you’ll stop all the obnoxious mansplaining too. That's true manliness.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #5: Fighting and Self Defense
Hey macho man, ever heard of the cops? You don’t need to learn to defend yourself, and the very idea that you need to defend anyone else is elitist, sexist, racist hogwash. True men don’t worry about defense; they worry about offense. If you aren’t actively finding things to be offended by, you don’t need to defend yourself; you need to check your self.
INSTEAD: Roundhouse Kick Pro-Life Women
If you must exert physical dominance and retain your man card, kick a woman who is so stupid she doesn’t even want an abortion. That’ll teach her. Even better if she is pregnant, then you can say it was two against one.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #6: Fatherhood
It’s time to retire meaningless terms like “father” and “dad”. While toxic masculinity has been on the rise, thankfully, fatherhood has been on the decline. You take the good with the bad. It’s been scientifically proven that children are best raised by government agents or lesbians. Dads aren’t just optional, they’re a problem. It’s time to stop messing up kids by forcing them to call some inconsequential sperm donor “daddy.”
INSTEAD: Enjoy Some Casual Abortion
Instead of burdening children with your male insecurity and need for control, kill them legally in clinics across the country. Real men sleep with as many women as possible without any intention to start a family because it is well known that families are bad for the environment. Suppressing your sexuality is the worst thing you can do as a male and modern abortion laws give men the opportunity to do pretty much the only thing they are good for and that’s impregnating women so they can discover the wonderful, life-changing experience of having an abortion.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #7: Disciplining Children
Do you discipline your child? Please say yes so I can immediately call CPS on you. What is this, the dark ages?
INSTEAD: Dress Your Children in Drag and Put Them On TV
Is your child showing signs that they may not be your stereotypical male or female? Does your son show some interest in feminine things, such as wearing a bracelet here and there or the color pink? Immediately get that kid some hormone blockers, some lingerie, and get them dancing in a gay strip club. There is no time to lose because if you do not embrace your child’s curiosity now, he or she could move on and become another cisgendered breeder. Who needs more of those? Everybody knows that there is no better time in your life to lock into your sexuality than around 8 to 10 years old.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #8: Cigar smoking
Not only is smoking one of the main sins against God (source: the 10 commandments), secondhand smoke literally murders billions of people every minute. One puff of a cigar and people start dropping like flies. Smoking is for genocidal maniacs with a big ego and no compassion.
INSTEAD: Start Bra Burning and Become a Feminist
Women don’t need your help holding their purse, they need you to hold up some picket signs and strain your vocal cords shouting down the patriarchy. Women know that a man parading around at a women’s march, especially one involving nude female protesters, is a trustworthy, selfless ally.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #9: Earning your living
There is no more misguided philosophy than the tired cliche of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and trying to earn a living. There was a time when these sort of cute, antiquated notions were useful, but now there are tons of rich people who have already taken all the money which means trying to achieve financial success is completely futile.
INSTEAD: Demand a Living from the Government
A true go-getter goes and gets money from the government. Robots are taking all the jobs anyway. It’s time the government started sending everyone free money. It takes a real man to demand free money and to resist the capitalist lie of hard work.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #10: Opening Pickle Jars
Every man wants to be the pickle hero. But in this day and age, if a woman can’t twist the lid off of a jar of pickles, she can— and should— simply smash the jar against a wall for being so oppressive. Why should a man step in and ally himself with a jar that wasn’t willing to respect women? That’s not masculine. That’s alt-right-pickle-adjacent behavior at best.
INSTEAD: Open Borders
Find a border and tear it down. Prove your hate for walls by destroying any wall you see. Find a map and white-out any border lines. Don’t waste another minute trying to open a jar when there are borders everywhere oppressing basically everyone.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #11: Riding ATVs
The idea that any vehicles are needed besides Uber is pure American greed. An ATV is nothing more than a toxic-masculinity bike that destroys the environment.
INSTEAD: Contracting STDs
Throw off the shackles of monogamy and sleep with as many women as possible. Men collect many things such as stamps, car parts, oil cans, and beer bottles. But there is no more truly manly joy than a thriving and growing collection of STDs.
OBSOLETE MANLY THING #12: Partying
Parties of any kind, where males are involved, are unsafe. The drinks are drugged, there are beer pong balls flying everywhere, and someone is definitely going to get punched. These barbaric gatherings should have been outlawed a long time ago.
INSTEAD: Join the Communist Party
Let’s just get right down to it: Communism. If men would all just become gender-neutral communists, all of the other problems on Earth would sort themselves out. Sadly, real gender-neutral feminist communism has never been tried.
Now get out there and make masculinity great for the first time in history!