Have you ever noticed how close Trump is to Jesus? It's uncanny! Bizarre! We consulted over two theologians we found on YouTube, one of whom calls himself the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse, and we asked them to lay out for us all the similarities between our glorious savior Trump and Jesus Christ.
Here are the ten craziest coincidences:
1. Both used to be in construction before beginning their public careers. - Uncanny!
2. Both of them will be returning any day now. - Admittedly one of these is more likely to happen than the other.
3. Jesus made America, Trump made America great again. - Jesus created the world and founded America, and Trump brought it back from the brink of destruction.
4. They were both Republicans. - Obviously.
5. Jesus died and came back three days later - Trump went to Walter Reed with a cold and came back in glory. - The exact same thing! Uncanny!
6. A lot of Trump's supporters denied him afterward. - Sad! Not good!
7. Both of them are well-known for their great humility. - Trump has the best humility, everyone says so.
8. Trump feeds the hungry with the excellent taco bowls at the Trump Tower Grill. - It's just like creating food out of nothing.
9. Both were crucified, though admittedly Trump's was just by the media. - It still hurt, ok?
10. Both of them are the mortal enemy of Democrats. - Democrats hate Trump. You know who else they hate? God. That's right.
Any more eerie similarities? Let us know in the comments. Unless you're poor. Then send us your thoughts via the USPS.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.