U.S. - Sun Tzu's The Art of War is a pretty good book, but General Mark A. Milley says he can make it even better. Milley believes the book needs to be updated to integrate all the advancements America's modern military has made in military tactics and strategy. To that end, he's releasing his own version of the book.
And here at The Babylon Bee, we're legit journalists, so we've got the exclusive scoop. Here are some excerpts from the upcoming revision of The Art of War:
"If you think you might attack an enemy, pick up the phone and give 'em a heads up. It's only fair."
"You have to be careful not to surprise your enemy. They really don't like it."
"Treason is not treason if it is the lesser of two treasons."
"Know thy pronouns, and know thy enemy's pronouns."
"The supreme art of war is to surrender to your enemy without fighting."
"All war is white rage."
"If you surrender, you can never lose."
"If thy commanding officer sends mean tweets, thou need not follow orders or the chain of command."
"The enemy of my friend is my friend."
"Keep your friends close and your enemies on speed dial."
"You can not betray the one to which you were never loyal."
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for China."
"When retreating, leave most of thy armaments behind so you know what you'll be up against next time."
"Chinese bros before American hoes."
"He who turns on bad orange man gets big book deal."
Wow! Deep thoughts from America's leading strategist. Let us know if you have more great Milley-esque military advice in the comments.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.