It's happened to all of us. You know the feeling: you show up for worship and you're just not into it. It's not really speaking to you. For some reason, the band is playing songs that just aren't your fave.
Well, we're here to help. Yes, you can STILL get in some lit worship time, even when you're just not feeling the vibes coming from the stage.
We can't guarantee that every worship sesh from here on out will be gravy, but if you follow these ten simple steps, you'll have a lot more hits than misses, and you'll be ready to REALLY get your worship on.
1.) Make the band work for it. Throwing your hands up into the air on the very first chorus of "Holy is the Lord"? Can you say "amateur hour"? Make the band work for your visible response to God's greatness, and only show signs of personal adoration if they really nail a technical bridge or pre-chorus build-up.
2.) Never clap past the first chorus. Clapping on the first verse and chorus says "I'm excited to worship." Clapping anytime past that says "I'm a tool." Don't do it.
3.) Practice your solemn, contemplative look while muttering, "Yes, Lord." No matter what the worship leader says, prays, or sings, mutter, "Yes, Lord. Mmm. Yes, Father God. Yes." It shows you're super spiritual and 100% in tune with the Spirit of God.
4.) Time your holy shofar blast to coincide with the most powerful part of the bridge. Amateurs blow the shofar of holy blessing on the first song, tipping their hands too early. You're a worship pro, so you know to wait until the bridge of "What A Beautiful Name" to let that puppy rip. BAWOOOOOOOOO!
5.) Just walk out if you're not feeling it today. Worship is all about you connecting with your feelings. So if you're not feeling it, why bother? Walk right on out of there, and make sure your expression lets everyone around you know how disgruntled you are.
6.) If the worship band plays a song you don't know, throw hymnals at them until they switch back to your favorite hymn that you demand be played every week. Any theologian worth his or her salt knows that "Sing to the Lord a new song" does not apply to our current dispensation. If the worship band tries to introduce a contemporary tune that came out within the past 50 years, yell loudly to voice your displeasure and chuck hymnals right at their stupid faces until they see the light!
7.) Sway no more than 45 degrees left or right, for your safety and the safety of those around you. Scientists have calculated that swaying more than 45 degrees can send you toppling over the people next to you. If your head is large or you're wearing a lot of hair product, you may be top heavy and need to restrain your swaying to 30 degrees or less.
8.) Never do anything the song explicitly describes you as doing. As you sing "We stand and lift up your hands," make sure to sit and cross your arms. If you sing, "Stand up for Jesus!" make sure your butt is firmly in the pew.
9.) Scream, "ENCORE! ENCORE!" when the band finally finishes playing "Oceans." Why should the song end only 15 minutes in? Clap loudly and scream "ENCORE!" so the band will loop back around to another bridge-chorus progression. Your fellow churchgoers will thank you for your honorable service.
10.) Incorporate creative expressions of your emotions into your worship time, like ribbon dancing, rolling around on the floor and babbling incoherently, and headbanging. Standing and singing is sooooo last century! Get creative with your worship time. Dance around with a ribbon like a child, roll around on the floor, or get a good old-fashioned moshpit going, to the glory of God.
Now go forth and get your worship on! It's all about you, Christian!
