So you’re finally tying the knot after courting for the biblical period of fourteen years. Congratulations! While most people would be struggling with picking out floral patterns, colors, dresses, and hashtags right about now, you’re lucky—no, you’re chosen. Because you’ve clicked on this article, so you have The Babylon Bee on your side.
Here are 10 hot tips to make your Christian wedding the talk of the church for months to come:
1. Announce a commitment to celibacy for the remainder of your marriage. While below-average Christians commit to no sex til marriage, above-average Christians commit to no sex at all. If you just can’t help yourself, then consummate the marriage with a holy sidehug in front of all your witnesses and guests.
2. Have the pastor read 1 Corinthians 13 aloud in the original Greek. It’s a proven fact that sermons are holier when they quote the original Greek, and this is doubly true for a wedding. Agape!
3. Ensure the bride’s father provides an ample dowry. Three chickens and a large tract of fertile land at a minimum. While you’re at it, make sure pops doesn’t pull a Laban and try to trick your hubby into taking your ugly sister, Leah.
4. Include the ceremonial throwing of the purity rings into the fires of Mount Doom. This is an adorable part of any Christian wedding, where the bride and groom both pull off their purity rings and go on a quest across Middle-Earth in order to cast their promise rings into the fires from whence they came. I can’t carry it for you, babe, but I can carry you!
5. The father-daughter dance must be “Good, Good Father.” “Butterfly Kisses” is old hat. Shane and Shane have a pretty good father-daughter dance too, but the truly spiritual bride will be dancing to “Good, Good Father.” It’s who he is, after all.
6. Throw a copy of I Kissed Dating Goodbye to all the single ladies in the crowd.Ladies, get ready to be pursued faster than a suspect fleeing the scene of a crime.
7. Have the bride wear her garter on her wrist, obviously. You want to look like Mary, not Rahab. Modest is hottest!
8. Get Chick-fil-A to cater. Lemon-crusted chicken? Portabella mushrooms? Sorry, we thought this was a Christian wedding. Classic chicken sandwiches, waffle fries, and Chick-fil-A sauce from heaven please.
9. Hold your ceremony in a barn, just like the one Jesus was born in. Rustic chic is so hot right now. Just make sure that no animal has ever lived or pooped where you say your vows. That’s gross.
10. Spend thousands of dollars on mason jars, so it doesn’t look like you spent a lot of money. Spend a lot of money you don’t have to look like you didn’t spend a lot of money. Feigned humility is a virtue.
We won’t even mention flowers in buckets, bridesmaids in boots, Christmas lights dangling from every possible raised surface, music by an 800-piece children’s choir or The Newsboys (whoever’s easier to get).
Now leave and cleave like it’s nobody’s business!