Are you a red-blooded American PATRIOT who loves God, guns, family, and freedom? Better watch out, the FBI probably thinks you're a domestic terrorist! They could be watching you read this right now. They could be listening to your phone calls!
Fight back against those Feds by learning all the telltale signs one of them is listening in on your phone conversation:
- You hear slow, heavy mouth-breathing on the line: And the faint sound of CNN playing on someone's TV. Creepy!
- The hold music sounds suspiciously like a guy humming out of tune: George Michael's "Careless Whisper" sounds nothing like that!
- All your insurrection attempts have been foiled: How do they know?!
- You see a guy with an FBI hat hiding in your bushes with headphones on: Or, that just might be your weird neighbor Steve.
- You're bragging about how beautiful your golf course is, everyone says so and how it's tremendous really to be everyone's favorite President of all time: Oh no! You're Donald Trump! Yep, your phone's definitely bugged.
- All the details for the surprise birthday party you're throwing for your spouse get leaked to CNN: And now the "fake news" is all out on your front lawn. Not cool, FBI!
- When chatting with friends about what to do this weekend, you hear a voice say "Or maybe we can kidnap the Governor of Michigan!": Subtle.
- Your eardrums are shattered by a loud screech of unbridled rage whenever you say the word "Trump": RRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- You feel like the person you're talking to is stalling, keeping you on the line for extra time, then suddenly you hear "OK PEOPLE WE GOT IT!": Prepare to be raided, MAGA terrorist.
- You've ever attended a school board meeting: You're clearly dangerous.
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Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.