EGYPT — After enduring 10 horrible plagues that ravaged the kingdom due to his stubbornness and pride, Pharaoh proudly announced that plagues in Egypt are now down 100%.
"Hey, folks, we did it! I did it! I brought the plague rate down! This is because of my policies. No joke! Come on, man!" said Pharoah in a speech, apparently still slightly dazed from being struck in the head by a flaming hailstone. "We now have 10 fewer plagues than we had just a month ago. That's real progress! For real!"
Several critics pointed out that the plagues of blood, frogs, lice, flies, livestock pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and the killing of firstborn children were a direct result of Pharaoh's policies and would have never happened to begin with if Pharaoh had made wiser decisions. The king then sentenced those critics to make bricks without straw for the rest of their lives.
The Pharaoh's Press Secretary Kafele Jahi-Psttah echoed the ruler's sentiments, saying: "We're proud of the work we've done in this administration, reducing the plague rate more than any Pharaoh ever before in history."
At publishing time, The Pharaoh's administration touted another milestone accomplishment, as they had reduced the number of charioteer deaths unrelated to drowning in the Red Sea by 100%.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
