After you get married, it's common for the flame of love to cool, with each spouse eventually reaching the point of using the toilet with the bathroom door open, wearing nothing but sweatpants around the house, and finding deep-seated flaws in the way each other breathes.
Thankfully, that can all be turned around by really knocking your wife's socks off. How, you ask? The Babylon Bee is here to give you some handy tips on how to impress your wife.
- Memorize long passages of Beowulf and recite them to her while she tries to sleep: She'll be so enthralled by your manly intellectual prowess that she'll totally forget that you're keeping her from getting much-needed rest.
- Know the correct month of your wedding anniversary: You'll even score some extra points if you get it right on the first try.
- Chop wood in the backyard with your shirt off while looking like Brad Pitt: If you don't look like Brad Pitt, fix that right now, loser.
- Put a dirty pot in the sink to soak without even being asked: She'll marvel at your thoughtfulness and willingness to help.
- Belch the alphabet: This old classic has been working on the ladies since grade school.
- Pause movies frequently to explain everything to her: It's almost a guarantee that she's completely lost, so she'll really appreciate this.
- Throw one of your kids up into the air as high as you can and then catch him: Feats of otherworldly strength + spending time with children = surefire attention from the womenfolk.
- Blow intricate smoke rings in her direction: No matter what they say, women looooooove the smell of cigars.
- Be a multi-millionaire: This is really the only tip needed, so just focus on reaching this one.
- Earn modest wages writing satirical news stories online: This works too, we've been told.
It's as easy as that. Do some of the things listed above, and she'll be swooning in no time!
NOT SATIRE: Love cigars and hate high prices? Get acquainted with Cigar Page!
Cigar Page is the independent, American-owned home of the free and land of massive savings.
Our 600,000 cubic foot climate-controlled humidor is packed to the rafters with thousands of handmade cigar brands.
For just 25 bucks, you can experience the exquisite taste and quality of Oliva cigars with this introductory offer featuring 13 of their top-rated cigars.
Click here and get to know Cigar Page
13 Oliva Cigars $1.92 per stick shipped free!!!
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW: