Ding-dong! It's those absurdly polite cyclists bearing the Book of Mormon, but you don't have the time to chat with the well-dressed young fellows today. What to do??
The Babylon Bee has conducted extensive research to compile the following list of 10 sure-fire ways to get those friendly LDS people off your porch:
Douse yourself in Coca-Cola and R-rated movies before opening the door: It's a time-tested defense.
Say, "Oh, I'm already a Mormon. Two Nephi, am I right?": They will totally buy it.
Explain a police officer is about to drop by and ask if by chance you can borrow their nametag: Always does the trick.
Say "Hey, look over there — is that the angel Moroni bearing some golden plates hot off the presses?": No Mormon can resist a fresh batch of golden plates.
Open the door breathing into a paper bag and explain how talking to strangers usually makes you pass out in panic: For some of us this is reality, okay?
Tell them no thanks, you already have kids named Braelynn, Braden, Braeliana, and Brayston: They will know you're one of them.
Offer them a nice cup of fully caffeinated tea: They'll flee in terror.
Ask if you can put this baggie of white powder in their backpacks for them to deliver to "Big Roger" down the street: Mostly works, but some of these LDS boys will think you're just sending over a cup of sugar. Sweet, innocent Mormons.
Release the bees: AHHHH!!!!!
Say, "Oh dear, your tie! Let me help you tie a full Windsor, just turn around and hold still.": Poor guys will be flying away as fast as their bikes can carry them.
Choose any one of the tricks listed above and your porch will be Mormon-free before you can say "Brigham Young."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
