10 Easy Ways to Get Rid of Mormons On Your Porch
Faith Tips · Aug 2, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

Ding-dong! It's those absurdly polite cyclists bearing the Book of Mormon, but you don't have the time to chat with the well-dressed young fellows today. What to do??

The Babylon Bee has conducted extensive research to compile the following list of 10 sure-fire ways to get those friendly LDS people off your porch:

  1. Douse yourself in Coca-Cola and R-rated movies before opening the door: It's a time-tested defense.

  2. Say, "Oh, I'm already a Mormon. Two Nephi, am I right?": They will totally buy it.

  3. Explain a police officer is about to drop by and ask if by chance you can borrow their nametag: Always does the trick.

  4. Say "Hey, look over there — is that the angel Moroni bearing some golden plates hot off the presses?": No Mormon can resist a fresh batch of golden plates.

  5. Open the door breathing into a paper bag and explain how talking to strangers usually makes you pass out in panic: For some of us this is reality, okay?

  6. Tell them no thanks, you already have kids named Braelynn, Braden, Braeliana, and Brayston: They will know you're one of them.

  7. Offer them a nice cup of fully caffeinated tea: They'll flee in terror.

  8. Ask if you can put this baggie of white powder in their backpacks for them to deliver to "Big Roger" down the street: Mostly works, but some of these LDS boys will think you're just sending over a cup of sugar. Sweet, innocent Mormons.

  9. Release the bees: AHHHH!!!!!

  10. Say, "Oh dear, your tie! Let me help you tie a full Windsor, just turn around and hold still.": Poor guys will be flying away as fast as their bikes can carry them.

Choose any one of the tricks listed above and your porch will be Mormon-free before you can say "Brigham Young."


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