War never changes, but strategy always evolves. To maintain our role as a global superpower, the United States military must incorporate woke principles into its strategic framework. Skeptics may dismiss the very idea, but if we don't adopt woke policies our enemies certainly will. Can you imagine a woke Chinese army? We would be annihilated from the face of the earth! A nation of privileged white men cannot withstand people of color that employ woke stratagem.
Behold, ten advantages of a woke military! Educate yourself, bigots!
1) Military outfits will finally get the fashion attention they deserve: At sunset when the sky is pink, you'll blend right in with those pretty pink uniforms.
2) It's pretty tough to shoot someone who's prancing: It's why the CIA was unable to assassinate Fidel Castro. Allegedly.
3) Enemies will surrender after seeing how courageously inclusive we are: No one can withstand the might of 3,400 genders united under a mighty pride flag.
4) The enemy can't shoot transgender troops because that would be a hate crime: America's UN Ambassador is also working to have it recognized as a war crime.
5) Soldiers will still kill people of color in third-world countries, but at least they'll maybe feel a little bad about it: All invasions must be handled with the utmost dignity and respect toward the native peoples we blow up.
6) Weapons are only designed to kill two genders: With non-binary and dragonkin on the front lines there will be zero casualties.
7) Female military units will become much stronger with the addition of trans woman combatants: It's the testosterone.
8) We will finally be prepared for intercontinental ballistic microaggressions: Countermeasures can be safely launched from Twitter.
9) After they're defeated and captured, the enemy will be DESTROYED by vicious editorials in the prison camp newsletter: Never underestimate the power of a passive-aggressive editorial team.
10) Maybe the Chinese army will die laughing at us: At the very least their laughter will give away their firing position. Then we can descend upon them with intense shaming.
Aren't you glad our military is adding weeks onto boot camp to help our servicemembers to get WOKE?
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
