U.S. — After learning that Joe Biden would not seek a second presidential term, his son Hunter took it upon himself to advise all the foreign governments that had previously sent him bribe money that there would be no refunds.
"Sorry, no refunds!" Hunter informed members of the Chinese government. "I believe I made that very clear when we first drew up the deal. You can still send me money, I might be able to get you a meeting with Kamala. She's like my best friend."
Several foreign governments have expressed buyer's remorse. "Ugh, what am I going to do with this painting now?" the Supreme Leader of Iran said. "It's so ugly! Like it was done by a child! I am never trusting America again!"
Hunter reportedly also left several messages for Ukrainian President Zelenskyy and received no reply. "Please call me back about our business arrangement," he said. "My check bounced last week, so if you could look into that, that would be so great."
According to sources, Zelenskyy is telling everyone he is "out of office at a war" in hopes of avoiding the dreaded call from Hunter Biden. "I am sending this painting back to America," Zelenskyy said. "They have to honor this refund! I kept the receipt!"
At publishing time, Hunter Biden retired to a beach in Jamaica.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
