WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris's potential second attempt at the White House hit a disappointing obstacle this week, as the failed candidate learned that her 2028 presidential campaign was already $700 million in debt.
Following a lopsided loss to Donald Trump earlier this month, Harris had floated the idea of running again in four years after Trump leaves office but was shocked to find out that simply alluding to the possibility had run up a massive debt for the prospective campaign.
"She'll blow past a billion before she even officially announces she's running," one campaign insider said. "As soon as she even considered the idea, we started cutting massive checks. A couple million on updating her wardrobe, a few million in Nacho Cheese Doritos. And we haven't even made a phone call to Oprah yet. That'll be at least another $10 million. She charges by the minute, you know."
While campaign officials weren't sure how they had already managed to burn through a reported $700 million in only a matter of hours, they didn't expect it to be an issue. "This is about joy, not money," another source said. "If we could blow a billion on an ugly loss to Trump while campaigning on short notice, just think of what we can achieve if we have four whole years to work on a campaign. Kamala is all about making history."
At publishing time, Hollywood celebrities were reportedly already lining up to charge Kamala Harris's campaign millions of dollars to provide endorsements on her way to another embarrassing loss.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
