WILMINGTON, DE — The Biden family breathed a sigh of relief and launched into celebratory festivities after it was announced that President Joe Biden's son, Hunter, had been indicted on charges of felony gun possession.
"Just the gun charges? That's great news!" said Hunter's stepmother, Jill. "We were expecting so much worse. The really disgusting stuff on his laptop, bribery, sex trafficking, drug dealing, conspiracy to defraud the United States, treason…we thought it would be something really bad. But gun possession? Oh, this is such a great day!"
After nearly reaching a plea deal earlier this year to avoid trial, Hunter Biden now faces the possibility of the Department of Justice pretending to prosecute him. "This will definitely cramp Hunter's style a little bit," said one family source. "But come on. He's not only a Democrat, but he's also a Biden. He's untouchable. He'll be back out on the street, smoking a crack pipe and taking selfies with hookers before you know it."
President Biden only offered one brief statement on the matter. "My son Hunter is only guilty of one thing," the president said. "He's guilty of me loving him too much and being too proud of him. That, and the money stuff we did with Ukraine and China. But that's all. Charbinzigafit."
In response to the indictment, CNN announced it would launch a full investigation into whoever made the call to indict Hunter. "They're not going to get away with this," a CNN insider said. "We've been given strict orders to learn the truth about this and nothing else."
At publishing time, the indictment was rumored to be in jeopardy after news circulated that the DOJ had the Special Counsel who indicted Hunter Biden indicted.
By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?