U.S. — Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla addressed public concerns over a new pandemic by holding a press conference in which he explained how the pharmaceutical company is already hard at work developing a new ineffective vaccine with fatal side effects.
"The thought of a new pandemic is scary, especially one that presents as a common cold and makes you really tired," said Bourla. "That's why we're working double time to prepare a new vaccine that won't cure you, but will possibly kill you."
"We have top scientists working around the clock to ensure it doesn't work before we release it to the public."
Later, he agreed to appear on CNN This Morning for what he originally assumed was a softball interview. Host Kasie Hunt was quick to point out the obvious concern with Pfizer's business model. "But sir, how can you possibly prepare an ineffective vaccine in advance of an unknown pandemic? You don't know what the virus will be."
In response, Bourla appeared to side-eye the camera before awkwardly fidgeting in his seat and changing the subject. "We make lots of money," he said. "Would you like some?"
Public anticipation of a new vaccine that has no chance of curing an unknown virus that may or may not come has never been higher among Democrats. Suspiciously, Republicans and right-leaning Libertarians have little interest in further vaccinations because they are vehemently opposed to the scientific concept of "trial and error."
Medical experts insist it is of utmost importance that Pfizer complete their ineffective vaccine right away. "If we don't start jabbing people we'll never know what doesn't work," said Albert Bourla.
At publishing time, Congress had quietly passed a resolution to exempt themselves from the ineffective vaccines.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
