WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning and inspiring display of leadership, President Joe Biden spoke with leaders of the terrorist organization Hamas to politely ask if they could maybe think about releasing some of their American hostages, potentially, if it was okay with them.

"Hello, Hummus?" Biden said in a leaked transcript of the phone call. "Listen, folks. I've been told you have some Americans there. I was hoping you might be willing to…you know…maybe…let them go. I'm willing to do whatever you want to get you to agree to this. What's that, now? You want another $100 million? Ok, no problem. And supplies to make rockets? I can make that happen. I'd appreciate it if you would think about letting our people go. If you feel like it. Not trying to pressure you. You fellas sound like nice guys. I knew a nice Muslim fella once. Barack. He was…he was the…anyway. Please consider my request. If you can. Take care now. Larvinporginsarbit."

The White House hailed the call as a true moment of American foreign policy power. "The president spoke firmly with the Hamas leaders," said history-making black lesbian Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "He made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that the United States would like Hamas to think about maybe doing something we asked them to do, as long as they felt like it."

At publishing time, Biden was reportedly enjoying a nap, after which he would await instructions from his handlers about what he should give Hamas next.

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