WASHINGTON, D.C. — After another week of taking petty squabbling and gross incompetency to new heights, Congressional Republicans are taking the weekend to brainstorm how to possibly embarrass themselves even further.
"Think people, think! How can we make even bigger fools of ourselves?" asked Patrick McHenry to the gathered Republicans. "I know we have it in us!"
As reports surfaced that Democrats might regain significant control through a deal with the Speaker pro tempore, Republicans worried they were running out of ways to beclown themselves. "I honestly don't know how we're going to top this," said Nancy Mace, still bearing a large scarlet letter on her shirt. "We coughed up increased border security, eight percent federal spending cuts, expelling Hamas apologists from positions of power, the Speaker being briefed on the hostage situation -- all before handing power back to the Democrats to send billions more to Ukraine. What could be worse? I mean, we just painted the Mona Lisa of embarrassing ourselves. We've got to dig deep."
According to sources at the Republican brainstorming session, the leading proposal to raise the bar next week was bringing in an old-timey revolver to literally shoot themselves in the foot repeatedly.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
