PHILADELPHIA, PA — Pulses increased throughout the sports world at a baseball game Tuesday night after a rogue fan abruptly jumped out of the stands and ran out onto the field, briefly turning it into a football game.
"Woah! Did you see that?!" shouted previously bored baseball fan Andy Warren. "I was about to settle in to catch some much-needed shut-eye when this dude just ran out onto the field! And the security guard? He just plasters the guy, just demolishes him! I've never seen anything this exciting! I wish there was a sport where this happened all the time!"
A palpable rise in excitement was felt in the crowd in the sold-out stadium as fans suddenly had something to stand up and cheer about. "It was a whole different vibe when that guy took off onto the field," baseball fan Ben Malick said. "I'm used to a baseball game being a good place to just enjoy some peace and quiet, maybe read a book, but the crowd was electric for that guy's run. And the hit from the security guard set off a collective ‘OOOOOOOHHH' from everybody here. Such a wild moment. You know, the type of thing you experience in nearly every single play of any given football game. Made me feel like I was at an Eagles game, which would be so wicked."
In true Philadelphia fashion, the fans all chanted "You suck" at the fan as he was led away in handcuffs, tearing down the man they exalted as a hero only moments before.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
