WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference this week, the White House Press Secretary assured members of the media President Biden has done more to preserve democracy in the U.S. than any other totalitarian dictator in history.
"I have personally seen the President working tirelessly to preserve our country's sacred democracy," Jean-Pierre commented. "When he's not imprisoning his political rivals, censoring his detractors, or laundering money through foreign agents, he's working round the clock from about 2pm to his 4pm naptime to champion the fundamental principles of democracy and promote national freedom."
Reporters from major news outlets quickly challenged the Press Secretary on her claims.
"I hear what you're saying," Phil Mattingly, CNN's Chief White House Correspondent, countered. "But what do you say about people who claim the President likes chocolate ice cream when he clearly prefers vanilla?"
Media believe President Biden has been prepping a rousing speech in recent days to be delivered on the anniversary of January 6th that will in no way resemble a maniacal dictator calling for death and pestilence against his detractors. Biden is set to deliver the address in front of a giant, recently-commissioned portrait of himself holding a sword and petting a hairless cat.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
