The long-awaited release of unredacted portions of court documents related to the late Jeffrey Epstein is upon us, providing everyone with the names of several prominent figures who will never face prosecution or any consequences of any kind. Don't have time to read through the unsealed documents yourself? Don't worry.
The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of some of the more shocking revelations found in the Epstein documents:
- Bill Clinton was only mentioned 50 times: Everyone figured that number would be WAY higher.
- The blue temple had a series of puzzles, enemies, and locked doors you had to overcome before you could obtain the sacred gem and proceed to the next temple: It was challenging, but there were reportedly multiple save points.
- The most frequent visitor to the island was a guy named "John Doe": What a sicko.
- All the billionaires kept accidentally grabbing Bill Gates's boobs: Gates is rumored to be cooking up a new virus to get revenge.
- Visitors were surprised to find out the island had Mr. Pibb instead of Dr. Pepper: What a disappointment.
- Chris Christie was banned from the island after the "buffet incident": Rumor has it the island was never able to fully restock the kitchen.
- David Copperfield was unable to make his name disappear: Some magician he is.
- Stephen Hawking claimed to believe he was visiting Einstein Island: Professor Hawking also claimed to have only received a tire rotation while on the island.
- The island served as the research headquarters for the Dharma Initiative: Visitors were still unable to ever discover why there were polar bears, underground hatches, and strange whispers on the island.
- Epstein actually did kill himself: Who knew?
This is sure to only be the tip of the iceberg! Someday soon, there may be a full release of the names of people who will never be arrested and get away with hideous crimes scott-free.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
