NEW YORK, NY — As previously sealed documents related to Jeffrey Epstein continued to be released, liberals praised the late disgraced billionaire for not discriminating against disabled persons like Stephen Hawking.
Though almost universally vilified for perpetrating unspeakable acts with young women and girls on his private island, recently disclosed information from the unsealed documents earned him high marks from activists who advocate fair treatment for the disabled.
"Look, Mr. Epstein wasn't perfect, but his treatment of that one drooling scientist guy in the wheelchair was quite touching," said Dave Whiggins, who leads a disabled rights think-tank. "Kudos to you, Mr. Epstein, for not discriminating against the physically challenged!"
While many were appalled at the revelation that Hawking was one of Epstein's clients, Whiggins and other advocates for the disabled hailed the discovery as a major milestone in efforts to advance equity. "I'm not here to comment on the specifics or legalities of Mr. Epstein's behavior," Whiggins said. "But it is inspiring to see that even a man of Jeffrey Epstein's status was willing to give equal service to someone who looked and sounded like Professor Hawking. You can call Jeffrey Epstein a lot of things, but you can't call him an ableist! Well done, sir!"
"Turns out, Epstein was a great example to us all," said another activist. "I'm sure if Professor Hawking were alive today, he would say, 'Thank. You. Epstein. For. Having. Me. On. Your. Island. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.'"
At publishing time, liberals were urging Democrat lawmakers to officially honor Epstein by naming all U.S. Capitol ADA parking spaces after him.
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