NEW YORK, NY — In a devastating blow for the defense, State Judge Juan Merchan has ordered Donald Trump to immediately cease noticing that the only people trying to put him in jail are Democrats.
"Quiet you!" Judge Merchan told Trump in court. "Stop mentioning that everyone in the legal system who is trying to imprison you just so happens to be a member of the Democrat party. It is completely irrelevant."
"All instances of Trump noticing this fact will be met with serious legal consequences, which will be administered by Democrats."
The expanded gag order comes on the heels of an initial order prohibiting Trump from blowing raspberries at members of the press during hearings.
In an expert display of 4D chess, Trump has pivoted to talking directly about the gag order, bringing it up nearly every time he speaks, causing everyone to be reminded of how everyone trying to lock him up are Democrats.
In a new pinned post on Truth Social, Trump said, "The court has ordered me NOT to discuss how everyone trying to put me in jail is a Democrat and I will honor that request ;)"
Though prosecutors have demanded Trump stop exploiting the obvious loophole in his gag order, Judge Merchan was forced to admit that there was "nothing in the rules that says he can't talk about the gag order."
At publishing time, Trump had been hit with a new order requiring him to be fitted with an actual gag.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
