SACRAMENTO, CA — In a statement given to a roomful of waitstaff at The French Laundry, California Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be the freest state in the Union, and warned that anyone who disagreed would be arrested.
"We believe in free speech and freedom here in the Golden State," said Newsom while nibbling on a 3000-dollar broasted hummingbird with stem cell-infused bordelaise. "Here in California, you're free to wear masks at all times, pay lots of taxes, give gay porn to elementary school kids, turn in your guns, and all kinds of other classic American pastimes! Yay, freedom!"
The governor went on to warn that any disagreement with his opinion of California's freedoms would result in prosecution and prison time. "Disagreeing with me is anti-American and fascist," he said while sampling his main course of live baby goat.
Independent studies have confirmed Newsom's claim, although it is unclear whether the researchers who ran the study were just trying to avoid getting arrested by Newsom. "Our research places California at number 1 in a list of the freest places in the whole entire universe," said one nervous-looking scientist.
At publishing time, rumors had surfaced that Newsom was planning to run for President in his quest to make the entire country as free as California.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
