WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the first Biden impeachment inquiry underway, Democrats reprimanded Republicans for pouncing on a decent old man, insisting the impeachment was just a waste of time because Biden would probably be dead in a few weeks anyway.

"Just look at him! He makes me look like a Spring peach!" said a rotting Dianne Feinstein.

Republicans seemed unphased by the Democrats' heartfelt plea to let an octogenarian live his last few moments in peace, surrounded by his loved ones and Hunter. GOP attack dogs doubled down, urging Congress to consider the possibility of investigating a proposal to recommend a suggestion to advocate for impeachment.

"These ruthless Republicans are attacking a man who is a breath away from becoming an extremely wealthy corpse," said Rep. Raskin, "Why can't they just do what we did and pretend like he's already dead and just run the country without him?"

At publishing time, Republicans had decided to end the Biden impeachment inquiry after failing to get the permission of Democrats in Congress.

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