WASHINGTON, DC — After yet another biting incident involving the Presidential pooch Commander, members of the White House staff and canine experts are at a loss as to how the dog learned such aggressive behavior in the first place.
"There's absolutely no one who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who exhibits erratic, aggressive, or violent tendencies …it's a complete mystery!" Said Martin Douglass, head of White House Operations. "It seems like his biting and aggressive sniffing is learned behavior but no one around here does anything like that!"
White House staff reported the President's German shepherd bit a Secret Service agent Monday; the agent was treated by medical staff on the premises and will need follow-up care. This brings the number of biting incidents up to 11, and staff continue to scratch their heads over where on earth Commander could have learned behavior like biting and nipping.
"JILL!!! WHERE'S MY-YOU KNOW THE THING! GRAPHMAGERBATAPHERBERG!" President Biden responded when asked for comment on the biting incident. "BITING?! WHERE'D THAT FRIGGING DOG LEARN THAT?! Now come here so I can sniff ya. NOM NOM NOM."
The President's staff said they're taking additional leashing measures so another aggressive incident won't happen again. As for Commander, he'll, too, have to spend more time on a leash while roaming White House grounds.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.